THE OLD TRANSFORMERS
One morning, many moons ago, I was watching This Morning when Richard Madeley mentioned in passing during a discussion about road safety that when he is driving a car, he sometimes feels like he is in control of a killing machine. I’m not sure if he thought this was a good thing, a bad thing or a Mad thing (‘a Mad’ being short form for ‘A Madeley’) but I am sure it is not a rational thought for any layperson who doesn’t feel the need to keep talking and talking, saying words, not allowing gaps or pauses for thought, and who does not consider their working day successful unless they have spoken aloud every thought that has passed thought their strange pink and spongy brain.
On further research, I have discover there are many pages of the World Wide Internet devoted to the words of this word clumsy human man.
‘Can you imagine if they’d had morris dancers at Dunkirk?’ – Richard Madeley
Last week I was standing beside Paul Smith, the lead singer from the popular music act, Maximo Park. It appears that I have gotten away with my last blog then as neither of us thought to bring it up. Well… that’s not strictly true, as I am sure I would have brought the subject up if I had known I was standing beside Paul Smith, the lead singer from the pop/rock group, Maximo Park as it’s certainly the kind of arrogant thing I would do to someone like Paul Smith, the lead singer with the popular folk ensemble, Maximo Park, in order to create some kind of mock rivalry between Him and me like what that Blur and Menswear did back in their heyday, or like The Beatles and The Bonzo Dog Band or like Adolf Hitler and… Queens of the Stone Age. And I’m sure he would have brought it up too, if he had any knowledge of it, or interest in it or thought it of any value whatsoever. Oh well… you can’t win them all over can you? Or even some of them – I mean, one Meiosis fan would be nice who isn’t mentally ill...
…So I have posted a cassette to Richard Madeley and I look forward to his crazy response.
Earlier this week, I took a trip back to the area where I grew up. After a gruelling journey of up to 25 minutes, we arrived. There was some daft things I’d forgotten about like the ‘Old Transformers’ sculptures near Dipton in County Durham which are 2 scaremongering steel effigies of a miner and a steel worker made by the artist David Kemp in 1990, which serve as a symbol to the area’s industrial past. They are constructed from 2 electrical transformers salvaged from Consett Steel Works.
They sit, embedded into the verge that once carried the railway tracks that carried the trains which took iron ore from ships at Tyne Dock to Consett. I feel connected to this industrial past as many of my family worked in some capacity or another at the works, as did more or less everyone in the area. So integral to the area’s economy, structure and general way of life was the steel works that it was known locally as ‘The Company’. So naturally, shortly before I was born in Consett, the steel works was closed as a mark of respect to my coming and 4000 people, including my father, voluntarily left their jobs and sacrificed the town by letting it die a slow and undignified death which caused the loss of another 10,000 jobs. Some might say that Consett became a modern day Bethlehem, some others may say that it is of no consequence but you can’t argue with the fact that I was born shortly thereafter and that I am living proof of that.
So here I am, rapidly approaching my 33rd birthday wondering what will be next?
I’m not sure which group of people will find that last paragraph more offensive… the socialists who fought hard and well without violence to try to keep the works open or Christians who peacefully spread the word of the Bible but… Paul Smith isn’t biting so I’m prepared to give them both a shot!
If Richard Madeley can forge a career from effortlessly spouting off meaningless bullshit, then why can’t I?
‘When we first got together, one of the things me and Judy had in common was a passion for the correct use of the apostrophe’ – Richard Madeley
As I drove back to the cosmopolitan and reputable borough of Gateshead in my car I thought that perhaps Richard Madeley drives around in a big tank and perhaps that it would be justified for him to think of it as a killing machine – but this led me to believe that this would make him even more unhinged as a person than just blurting out loud that he sometimes thought of his car as a killing machine. I think I have come to the conclusion that I’d prefer Richard Madeley to be driving around in a everyday conventional motorcar and having thoughts about him being in control of a ‘killing machine’ than to be driving around in a big tank and to be having thoughts about him being in control of a killing machine. I mean, a big tank’s design purpose is to be a killing machine whereas, say, a Vauxhall Cavalier’s design purpose is to be an affordable means of private transport for a family of 2.1 children on a modest income, or of a sale representative, who once had ambitions of moving into middle management but is now content staying in his current job now they’ve given him the car phone and £4 lunch allowance. That’s what I was thinking, anyway.
‘A numerically satisfying number there.’ – Richard Madeley
‘5 Stone? Wow that’s concentration camp thin that is’ - Richard Madeley
‘Where did you get your face?’ – Richard Madeley
We have been working on more episodes of The Friendly Atmosphere Newcastle Music Scene Podcast. This time, the episodes are shorter at around 45 minutes each (some on the last series were over 2 hours and I can’t actually believe I had the arrogance to do that!) They are full of silliness and some music you may have not have heard. We are still looking for peeps to send us in some tunes – so if you’d like to be featured, then drop me a line. I promise to be nice and I never ever lie so you can be sure of that.
Progress on the series has been slow but the idea is to edit all the episodes and then release them weekly over 6 consecutive weeks. We have now recorded half the series, lost 2 episodes and are having to re-record them, so in actual fact have only 1/6 complete! However, we hope that the series will start in May – I don’t want to be more specific than that as I think that, when I say May, I actually already mean June! – basically… it absolutely MUST come out before Bruce Forsyth dies. I’ll let you know as and when, etc!
If you ever feel the need to listen to series 1 of the podcast then you may now do so on Soundcloud as I uploaded them all last week. It costs a fair sum of money to keep them up on our RSS feed year upon year and I doubt I can be bothered to worry about keeping those payments up, so even though you can still listen to the old series via iTunes and whatnot at the moment – I’ll link you to Soundcloud for the sake of consistency.
Here is series one of the Friendly Atmosphere Newcastle Music Scene Podcast on Soundclound:
‘I’ve never met a single woman who’s happy with the way she looks, except Jordan, although I’ve never met her.’ - Richard Madeley
‘Yes, Judy - remember when you had thrush? You had a terrible time of it.’ – Richard Madeley
As I walked along the old railway track, now a formidable country walk and stomping ground for terrorists… no, sorry not terrorists… cyclists – owned by The National Trust, I stumbled off the beaten track into a large wooded glade, in which there was situated a small barn-like structure. There was a strange whirling and grinding noise emanating from within which was followed by the noise of screaming; terrified, awful screams some of which could have been human, some of which less so. On further inspection, I discovered a small crack in a corrugated iron door and I simply had to find out what was the purpose of this structure and why was there such a din that filled the still air with malice?
I peered through the door to see the silhouette of the popular rap artist Eminem straddled atop of what I can only describe as a giant food processor, with an even longer funnel above, a rocking chair and a kind of diving board-like structure. Behind the popular and foulmouthed rap artist, Eminem, was an an orderly queue which consisted of, in order; Tommy Canon, Chris Evans, an owl, a pussy cat, Frank Bruno, Freddy from ‘Rod, Jane and Freddy’, a mouse, a moose, Rod from ‘Rod, Jane and Freddy’, a unicorn, Jim Bergerac, Jim Broadbent, a mule, 12 really fucking ugly geese, Frank Turner, Frank Carson (God rest his soul), Diane Abbot, Anne Diamond, 12 baby monkeys, a squid from Kent, Neville Chamberlain, 2 parrots who disagreed on Nigel Farage’s immigration policy and Nigel Farage.
Behind the line was a demented looking Richard Madeley brandishing a broom and shouting repeatedly; ‘I FEEL AS THOUGH I AM IN CONTROL OF A KILLING MACHINE!’
I closed the door and allowed him to continue pushing the living creatures forwards down the plank. It was one of the few occasions whereby Richard Madeley was not spouting off utter bullshit.
‘Do you think it’s time we took a radical approach to dealing with paedophiles, as opposed to fiddling with the edges?’ - Richard Madeley
I have spent the last 10 weeks or so making a new pop music promotional video. This is for the song Alice in Wonderland Syndrome, which I wrote last autumn. It’d be very nice if you could watch it and if you like it tell your online friends about its existence by sharing it with people on those social networking websites and so forth. In fact you could tell your actual real friends about it too. If you don’t like the video please also do the above because you have now read all of my blog and I have told you to do so.
‘I REALLY love ducks - they’ve always got a smile on their face.’ – Richard Madeley