WE HATE IT WHEN OUR FRIENDS BECOME SUCCESSFUL
At some point last year, well I say “at some point” but it was the 29th November 2014 at 4:17pm, a filling fell out of my tooth. I hadn’t been to the dentist for several years and decided within an instant that because I was going to New York the next week, I’d get it sorted when I got back. Upon arrival home from that New York, it appeared to be Christmas and so I could not go to a dentist then either. After Christmas, I contracted a horrible disease. It was so horrible that when I went to my GP, fully expecting some time off work and some lovely bedtime, he told me it was just a terrible virus that half of the country had got and that I had no reason to be off work, then he coughed at me and told me that he had it himself. Then he told me that there was no cure and that although my energy levels would be depleted, I should be able to carry on. Obviously I couldn’t go to the dentist when I felt like shite and couldn’t refrain from coughing like a man who was about to die for more than 30 seconds, so I naturally took a rain-check on going to get my hollow but not painful tooth sorted out.
That disease lasted 4 weeks and on the very day I thought ‘oh I’m feeling a lot better’, my tooth broke. The sharp shards of my once crowned ‘Beer Bottle Opening Tooth’ ripped away at my tongue which meant I rapidly lost the ability to speak without it tearing more painful pink flesh away from my big floppy mouth speak piece. Of course this occurred on a Friday evening and I was aware I’d have to endure this pain right through to the Monday when I could finally see a dentist. I called up the dentist, whose receptionist attempted to give me a bollocking for missing an appointment 5 years ago. I informed her that I was aware that I am a prick and we managed to find a window in which I’d be seen by a professional who could rip my half of a tooth out and reunite me with my wellbeing that I had last experienced on 29th November 2014 at around 4:16pm.
After an utterly rubbish weekend of feeling miserable and in immense pain I attended the dentist, who informed me that my tooth was broken but he had to sort out a series of other things first. My last appointment at the dentist had been 5 years ago and that day they had also sorted out some horrible pain in my dentures, albeit temporally, and I just never when back as it didn’t hurt anymore. So, a few fillings, some extensive cleaning and 4 weeks later, I finally got the little bastard razor blade taken out of my mouth, and very much more importantly, away from my beautiful tongue and placed into a little pot to be buried somewhere where Tony Robinson might get excited about it in 2000 years’ time. I have had a few of my teeth taken out before, but this was horrendous! I nearly fainted – it took much longer than usual and the roots on the bugger were enormous. The dentist told me that I’d been very ‘patient’ which I took as a grown up word for ‘brave’ and he commented that it was probably the hardest one he’d ever had to do. Thank God I was drunk.
It has not gone unnoticed that the usual suspects have been at play in their attempts to undermine our goodwill and lovely Bowie shows. Some of you may remember Paul from ‘Viva Morrissey’ – and I’d love to put them on again!! – but the band split up because posters got ripped down or posted over, imitations of (of an imitation, for Jimmy Fuck’s sake) tried to undercut. The music business does tend to poke its turtle’s head out of its horrible arse crack once it can see something is beginning to gain some kind of success. This time I have managed to bypass most of that, either by being just too busy to give a damn… or by…
…I ignored his advice and went home to recover from my agony and anguish by drinking more. After a week or so I ended up back at the dentist because the socket where my lovely bottle opening device was once rooted had become rather badly infected. He did some more cleaning up and gave me a prescription for some antibiotics that I was not expressly forbidden to take alcohol with for duration of the course. Now I have taken antibiotics like this before. Because I am a prolific and terrific drinker I am fully aware that most antibiotics are fine to use alongside alcohol but there are 2 types (and I am not telling you what they are – always read the label) that can make you really ill – one of which can actually kill you. I was on one of the ‘2 types’ but because I had a gig coming up with the wonderful Mad Hatter at The Cluny, I only managed 5 days of the 7 day course before drinking some beer. I needed to rehearse. You see, even I cannot stand my own music and my own voice without the aid of some kind of stimulant and my stimulant of choice has always been alcohol. Anyway – the side effects I experienced whilst doing that were very similar to how I feel normally from day to day as it is, so it wasn’t so much of a burden – however I would not recommend them to anyone.
A week went by and pain started again in my mouth, so I looked online and self-diagnosed that due to an increased use of antiseptic mouthwash – my mouth had basically tasted of bleach for 3 months - and because of strong antibiotics, I had contracted oral thrush. I went to my GP and my GP said that it might well be oral thrush or perhaps, she thought, it could also be a bit of my disrupted jawbone sticking out of my gums from the violent extraction of my beloved bottle opening tooth. So she gave me the gel to sort out the infection but also said that I’d need to return to my dentist. Well… I’m sick to my back teeth of the sight of my dentist, so I thought I’d try out the gel first to see if everything improved…
…I have been overwhelmed by the amount of people who have bought tickets to see The Bowie Experience Live at The Cluny. Of course I will be supporting this by playing a few songs before they go on and will hopefully be out of your way before you get bored to death of my comparably humble music. It now feels like the rest of my week will lead up to the moment that I can let go of trying to control this gig to letting Laurence and his Bowie XP bandmates take you on a lovely journey through time using the music of one of – actually no… THE best songwriters of our lifetime. I’m very much looking forward to it…
…I had an allergic reaction to something in the gel, which meant all of my gums and my throat swelled up and at 1am one morning, found myself unable to breath. I felt more upset that night that it seemed my 2015 would consist of exclusively illness and pain. Then something weird happened. I spat out a tiny bit of spot from my mouth which I’m guessing was dead infection. I stopped using the gel due to my annoying geek-like reaction and stopped worrying. Today 2 bits of sharp bone oozed themselves naturally from my gums and my face regained its natural Bagpuss-like symmetrically fat shape. Today, for the first time in 6 months, I feel that I might be fit and well!
Anyway, I tell you this story as, for some reason, when I see my musical comrades on Facebook and Twitter constantly boasting about their sell out gigs and wonderful album sales, I get jealous and annoyed. I have sold out my gig next week at The Cluny with The Bowie Experience – and some might argue that it may be because the best David Bowie tribute band in the entire world, endorsed by David Bowie himself, are on the bill – and to them I say “yeah OK then” but we have put this band on twice in Newcastle before and it was I who footed the bill when we lost 1000s of pounds. I think, to be honest, it is the people who twisted my arm this time to do it all over again, not to mention Laurence from The Bowie Experience who really wanted to come back to Newcastle, along with the brilliant people at the Cluny, who’ve really helped out a lot just by doing simple things. This might mean that I’m happy to carry on doing this Meiosis music thing over and over again until I die. And when I die, it’ll be dignified. I’m trying not to gloat. It’s 2015. We’ve sold out The Cluny. Just give me another 50 years and it might be *name a big venue*.
Earlier today I was in a corner shop attempting to buy my 3rd packet of cigarettes of the day when the man in front of me at the counter started kicking off big time. He was upset that the man behind the counter had pressed the wrong button on his machine and accidentally charged the man £15 on his electricity key thing when the man in front of the counter (who was buying the electricity – am I explaining this well?) was exclaiming that he could not afford to pay the man behind the counter the extra £5 for his stupid but perfectly understandable mistake. Because I am lazy, and was getting bored by waiting, I offered to settle the dispute by paying £5 for the man’s electricity. Obviously I imagined the man in front of the counter having more than enough frivolous fun with his extra £5s worth of electricity. I’d already imagined him drying his hair – for no reason he had a shaved head – or turning on the storage heating and opening the windows for that ‘summer feelin’ in March Feeling’ that we can all enjoy when we don’t give a fuck. But no! It was at that point the man behind the counter decided that he’d be able to sort the problem out & very quickly organised someone to come and put a key in a thing behind the counter and gave the man his £10 worth of electricity. Now, I don’t want to come across as a pompous middle class dick as I so often very easily do. I used to live in a house where you had to go and buy electricity from the corner shop and I am acutely aware that David Cameron, Ed Milliband, Nick Clegg or that other twat probably aren’t even aware that this method of buying fuel still exists but the last time I had to do it was the day that I had been persuaded to cut my own hair –and because I had only half a head (of my full head in those days) and had to walk to the shop, which was 2 miles away, with half a haircut, I took immediate pity on this man. I don’t think my pity was just or welcomed in this case but it appeared to get matters sorted out quite quickly so that I could go on to enjoy my own stupid, unfettered, brilliant but flawed existence.
Martin on Twitter: @MusicByMeiosis
More stuff by Martin – http://www. MusicByMeiosis.com