Happy, HAPPY, happy, HAPPY!
You know the word ‘putin’ is short for ‘putting your penis in a man’ don’t you? That’s why president Putin is so wound up trying to prove to the world that he is not gay. His name literally translates in ancient sexton times as President Putting Your Penis In A Man. And no worthy president wants that, or even one who is not worthy like President Putin. I didn’t want to go to Russia anyway.
The word ‘jere’ is an old word from Fellatioion times meaning ‘to hire or let’ and a ‘clar’ was a kind of toupee that warriors would wear to disguise their headgear in battle. A ‘so’ was a collective name for all rodents in the Worman period up until approximately 1044 AD when other rodent mammals were discovered by sailors. And a ‘kson’ was a kind of prehistoric water well. This all means that Jeremy Clarkson’s name roughly translates as ‘Rent My Hairy Helmet Rat Seaman Hole’ and who would want that translated roughly? To be fair, this is probably why Jeremy Clarkson vigorously distances himself from being in any way homosexual. However, it is an open secret that his top gear of choice is a little bottle of poppers from the chip shop that also sells fags (cigarettes).
Of course I entirely made all of that up – but it only took me 5 minutes to do and this is why you have to be so careful. Anybody could just come along and make stories up like this that are just as believable and pin them on these poor defenceless bigots with power and money. To be honest, even though I have made it all up I am not convinced it isn’t actually true. Neither President Putin nor Mr Clarkson has contacted me to date to deny the accusations.
Well, we could spend all day thinking about that, I know so because I have – but we should put that thought to one side and concentrate on me for a minute…
I have been wondering for some time now where this incarnation of Meiosis should end and I feel it is now coming to its natural conclusion. The problem being for me is that I should probably find something to take up the space of all the free time I’d have if I was not concerned with Meiosis. I have 2 gigs left to do and (unless we do something silly again in May on my birthday) I think that would be a good place to leave it for another 10 years or so. My first gig as Meiosis Mk 2 at The Head of Steam in Newcastle was intended as a nice daft little thing to do at Christmas for one gig only, so I’m delighted to have managed to milk it for well over 3 years. Even I, however, know there is only so much mileage you can get out of one man, an mp3 player, an acoustic guitar and a stuffed toy. I certainly do not want to be a promoter anymore. Organising all my own gigs, other acts and venues and then also playing myself takes its toll on one’s patience and I am determined to make this month’s show at The Cluny in Newcastle the last I do of that. If other promoters want to book me to play then that’s fine but I will be refraining from booking any more gigs for myself for at least three, maybe four weeks [When I put the word ‘weeks’ at the end of that sentence you do understand that it was a joke, as a way of mocking myself – but I actually mean years].
I have cancelled some lovely gigs I was organising just because the pure thought of continuing down that road was making me miserable and we don’t want that do we? I will continue to write, record and be creative and I will continue to blog too as I find emptying my head onto the internet every now and then therapeutic (not to be confused with the term ‘TheraPutin’ which in ancient Sexton times means something too graphic to detail here, on the internet, where graphic sexual imagery is all so rife). Basically – I just don’t want to promote gigs anymore.
So come and see me at The Cluny, Newcastle on Thursday 30th January along with Ian Courtney, Euan Lynn and Lost State of Dance who are all brilliant artists. I’m expecting it to be an embarrassingly quiet January gig with plenty of room for you to mill about. It’s £4 entry on the door and, regardless of how many people turn up, it will be a gig full of great talent, in a wonderful venue with a great quality sound.
The other gig left to play will be Ian Courtney’s annual Mad Hatter Festival and I will be playing the final of 3 shows at Head of Steam on 8th February. This is always a great gig to play and attend – it sells out every year too so if you are thinking of attending, you should snap your tickets up now for £5 here: www.wegottickets.com/event/254851 All proceeds go to the brilliant little charity Northumberland Coalition Against Crime who go about getting young kidz off the wrong track in life.
AND THEN… yeah I’ll probably end it all in the Telegraph on my birthday (not literally) but I haven’t booked that yet so I have no details or idea of what I’d even like to do this year. That would put a nice neat full stop on Meiosis proceedings for now.
Finally, the meter on this website runs out this year and although we intend to fill it back up with a few more pennies, we may take the opportunity to change the domain name from http://www.musicbymeiosis.com to something a little more generic, easier to spell, say and remember. The only reason I mention this now is so that the current name will show up on search engine searches for the site after we change it. This reminds me, I also need to mention Justin Bieber’s cock adventures and Madonna’s massive cum gun [see very old blog for the set up to this 3 year old joke].
I have noticed lots of people writing many an article about depression and although I think I have already put in my tuppence worth within this blog and usually feel dirty afterwards for writing about my own experiences, it is worth reiterating that being manic depressive, bipolar or a loony – whatever you want to label yourself as - is not something you should leave cooking up inside of you. If you can’t manage it by yourself then tell somebody how you feel. It will make you feel better. Tell a friend in the pub over a pint, or a cup of tea. Tell a family member, or if you’d prefer to tell a stranger take out your ayePhone and call the Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90. You don’t have to be at the end of your tether to just do that. Have a lovely chit chat and you’ll feel all of your problems have been diminished to feelings like utter dickishness – but feeling like a dick is better than feeling like you have the world hanging off your heart and it is infinitely better than being a dead person who is dead for no reason. I have manic depression which means I can become very creative, quick to respond and clever for a few days and then (usually after I wear myself out) become the opposite and sink into an introverted mood and want to do very little other than close myself off in a dark room and respirate, getting annoyed every time I have a ‘stupid panic attack’ for no apparent reason other than thinking I’m about to die. Breathe in & breathe out. Thankfully most of my own episodes don’t last for more than 10 days and I feel able to manage them as I am an old pro. It would be very easy to use my mental health troubles to my own advantage but I never do or will as it’s a slippery slope to go down – so instead of being a dick about it – seek help.
So… I am not being a dick about it but come to my gig at The Cluny on Thursday 30th January 2014 – or else I will fucking cry into your stupid fucking fat faces.
I’ll leave you with a nice song from my favourite cookie, lo-fi band from Belgium.