15/08/13 - MusicByMeiosis

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Thursday 15th August 2013. Blog #88.


Hello Super Fans,

Sum of youz might know me from being just a little giraffe. Sum of youz may know me because I am always dead good and got a fun sized Mars Bar once just for being dead good.

Other freaks might know me from a shitty little band in Newcastle called Meiosis. I do everything in the band, including singin the songz and writing the cover versions. I have more input now than I did in my old band, Five.

I am here to tell everymabody how gratitude I am for being resued from the dark place and allowed to continue ma work , once again  with Meiosis who have been on the Hit Parade for a further 3 years now. Howeverz becos ma head is soon going to fall off, I am being forced into retirement by my management who is long since died of deafness.

Since I started my career in music in fucking 20th Cemetery timez I have done many great feets. I played Dolly Pardon’s left bossomz in her in 1974 hit ‘I Will Always Love You’ and again provided the hiccups in Whitney Van Outen’s voice in her 1992 resurrection. I followed this up in 1993, when I invented the phase, “Fuck-a-Doodle-doo” which Bobby Moore got dead jealous of and decided to die. This was also the year in which I caused much controversy in calling Cuddles The Monkey a clunt at the Brit Awards. Since then I have made friendz with Cuddles The Monkey and we performed ‘Tender’ together at this year’s Doctor Who benefit organisezed by Rodger Rabbit.

After my smack habbit I promised to only have beer, wine, gin, vodkaz, powder cocaine, swings in the park, jelly and other medicine. So I couldn’t do anything creative and instead turned my attention to forming my new band, Coldplay. I played the part of Chris and Martin from 1999 to 2001 and then left due to constant vomiting. Coldplay then went on to become shit. It was just like when I was in Jealouses and Phil Collinz wanted me to tell him he had a big balls and I told him he just had a massive clunge and I was asked to leave.

In 1997 I moved into acting and played the role of Paddy Ashdown in the Liberamal Democraics partys, taking over the role from Paddy Ashdown. That was rubbish so I moved on to play the fly that sometimes arrives on set at TV chat show and TV panel show recordings to give the guests something funny to sayz. I occasionally repizes this role on shit things.

After having played Robin Williams having a poo in Robin Williams’s’s toilet when Robin Williams has a poo I decided to leaf acting behind and move back into music. This is I did not enjoy this role at all and anyway they told me it was going to be Robbie Williams and that would have been pure beltaz. I wrote the album, ‘Geri Halliwell’s Scream If You Want To Go Faster by Geri Halliwell’ and this is why they sent me to the dark place.

Then I was rescued and given 2 bathz in a washing marashine and I went to Glastonarabury and I made some Jelly and I wanted some gins and stuff so I saved up all of my pocket money and gave it to a man who asked me if I wanted to be in his stupid fucking band which the stupid clunt called Meiosis 10 years previously, when he could have thought a great new name like, ‘Snugglenolia and The … Just Snugglenolia’ or ‘Mike And The Mechanics’. I have enjoyed some of my time in the band but I have to retirez now as really… my head is falling off. I hope you can understand my decision to leave and I take it with a heavy fluffy bit in my tumbelly but my fucking head is coming off, so fuck you.

I presume, along with my retirement all music and entertainment will end and Bruce Forsyth will finally be allowed to die. I played his hair between the ages of 60 to 70 so it’s not news I’d take slightly lightly if I was youz. My retirement will also give me more time to persues the little thingz I love such as; swearing at children and calling you all clunts. On the 28th Septemberz this year round, I will be performing my final show as ‘David Bowie’ playing all the hits from the  career I forged from him by legalising sodamy in 1967. I think he is a clunt and I wish to inflict more pain upon yous by charging you all to get in. You can by all the ticketz (which I have spat on) for cheap by going to here: http://www.wegottickets.com/event/207550 It promises to be a spectacular show but I hope you all get the shits beforehand and don’t show up so I can keep all the moneyz and if you do I’m just going to play ‘The Laughing Gnome’ 20 timesez.

The big bald fella told me that when he rites his blog he puts a fucking YouTube video at the end that nobody ever watches. Well I know if I do that then every flucker would watch because I put it there. Anyway the big baldy clunt has fallen over and it’s up to me to right him. He can’t do it himself as his bulbus belly feeded by his ego gets in the way. That and he can’t be bothered.

This is a song that that Wayne Clunty Coyne wrote for me after we broke up. He had a bizarre sexuals appetite for not only fucking hollowed out pumpkins (headed in the microwave for 47 seconds) but also tiny little naughty foul mouth soft toys. When I told him thatz I have no genitals and my insides are only made of fluff – he went right offa me. STILL… The Flamingz Laps are still my most favamorarite band and ma most favamorarite song is this one he wrote for me. It is all water under the bridge now – because it is both transparent and tasteless.

Fuck you,



twitter: @musicbymeiosis @Snugglenolia

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