‘WHAT THE BLOG WAS THAT?’ or ‘NO NEED TO GET TOO BLOGGED DOWN WITH IT’ or ‘BLOG ME SIDEWAYS’.
In the middle of organising gigs and recording and editing podcasts, I appear to have written a new Meiosis album. This has come as a complete surprise to me, as I don’t remember doing much of it, but there it is, sitting on my hard drive as proof of its existence, and it very much sounds like I have done it. It’s called Something Funny Happened on My Way to Utopia and it mainly consists of brand new songs along with a couple which I wrote 15 years ago. I think it will be ready to release in a few weeks but I might hold off and do some nice artwork and CDs and stuff before I get embarrassed by its very existence.
Here is the track listing as it stands today (if you care about such things)
1. Alice in Wonderland Syndrome
3. Return of the Dead Eyes
4. Vivid Dreams
5. Pull the Ladder Up, Jack
6. Ignore the Monsters
7. T. Dan
8. Pretty OK
10. Little Epiphanies
So if you enjoy polite indie pop tunes played in a slightly wonky style then you may hold your breath for that. If you are one of the other six million, nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-two people in the world who are not interested, then I am very sorry for having wasted your time with this.
One of my greatest memorable achievements that I recall is that, at the Leeds festival in 2000, when I was 18, I managed not to have a poo from Thursday until Monday. Thus achieving the target of not being set fire to, turned upside down or dirtying myself in a Portaloo. I also don’t really remember consuming much apart from white rum and watery lager, a diet which meant I ended up alienating most of my friends by being the life and soul of the party but only the party that was going on in my head. I watched Pulp alone (as was intended in those days) and I watched Oasis (being grumpy as it was sunny and it had rained for Pulp).
Since, of course, I have had many of my own parties in my own head. They are the best parties. Through using drugs and alcohol, I have managed to remain pretty much… well… alive.
When I say I used drugs, I don’t mean your usual drugs like arm Heroine or nose Cocaine or water Wizz. No, I didn’t trust them. I meant Alka Seltzer, hayfever tablets and Mint Source shower gel. IT IS A DRUG (if you eat it). My very few experiences with illegal drugs have just led to me becoming ill or unhappy, so I don’t touch those.
I do, however, touch an awful lot of alcohol. I cannot find a better way to spiritually disconnect myself from my actual being. My actual being, being a reclusive, shy and socially awkward square head with no ambition or deep feelings. If a substance can somehow amplify what digs down deep in my mind as what I see as the ‘true me’ then that’d be alcohol. The problem with alcohol is that it has other side effects too. It means I cannot finish a conversation without needing to go away and do a wee or have a smoke. It means the boisterous idiot in me also comes out to play and it means I also tend to fall over and hurt myself.
Doctors keep telling me I have depression and that’s why I should stop drinking. I stopped drinking regularly for a few periods in my life, namely; 0-12 years old, 6 months in my early 20s, 6 months in my latter 20s and then never again because, to be honest, they were the most depressing times of my life. No social interaction, no ambitions and no stupid ideas I’d drunkenly email somebody about and then commit to before I could wake up the following morning and get all ‘oh I don’t want to do this’ all over my own ass. Without catching myself out like this, I would have never done the Hang the DJs nights we did in 2007 which, although flawed in many ways, I’m still really proud of doing; The World Headquarters Retrospect All Nighters I did with loads of bands, sometimes going on until past everyone’s bedtime; the podcasts; the albums; Viva Morrissey and the Bowie Experience gigs we’ve done, and definitely not reforming myself into a one man band version of Meiosis, which has been the source of my happiness and other emotions since 2010.
My advice to anyone who wishes to achieve anything would be to think about what you want to do, then get really really drunk. Commit to your drunkenly refined ideas and then sort out the details later when you are sober. You might have to drop a couple of ideas or downsize a bit but it’s still going to be better than you originally intended isn’t it? That’s if you want to take advice from somebody who hasn’t really achieved anything of note. It’s your choice, mate… I didn’t force you to do it.
So, being a man who has actively and insistently annoyed my heroes; Jarvis Cocker, Stewart Lee, Neil Hannon, Graham Coxon; a man who looked like Morrissey on separate occasions, and a man who has consistently upset his friends and family and been so crippled with depression and embarrassment it has been impossible to make amends or apologise, a man who is haunted by the darkest thoughts never thought available to his own mind and with an unbelievably potty mouth, I hope you can take it that nothing can stop me carrying on and having possibly more of these incidents happing again and again. It’s not as if there’s a way out of being me. If you think I’m being a twat, then it’s pretty certain that I think I’m being a twat too.
I’m sure you’d rather not read me going into the details of the two times I can remember where I have tried my best to commit suicide, but I’m sure I can persuade others to stop before they do too. The death of Robin Williams comes as a shock to us all but might be the best wake-up call to those who still do not understand what depression is and how it can manifest itself. I can only explain it from my point of view…
It has no explanation. The best you can do is be there for someone. Don’t ask questions, don’t offer any help. Just be there. Hopefully, sometimes, you’ll be there at the right place and the right time.
If you want to talk to somebody about your own problems then call: 08457 90 90 90 and talk to The Samaritans. They helped me so maybe they can help you.
Now… Robin Williams never sat down in interviews did he? God!!! I hate it when people can’t just sit down in their chair in chat shows. Ah… hang on, I can’t do that blog now can I?
So, having got home and emptied my bowel after Leeds Festival 2000, I found myself wondering how all my friends I went with and made whilst I was there were doing. So I called them up, that’s what we did in those days kidz, we phoned each other up. Imagine that?! If you want me to go on an endless tirade now about social media and Facebook and how it has wrecked my social life, then imagine it in your own heads, kidz, because I am definitely not going to do that.
The thing about Facebook is…
Maybe you suffer from your constant insomnia – BECAUSE YOU ARE ON FACEBOOK ALL NIGHT?
Sometimes cats are funny, sometime they are not.
I do not want to see a picture of your dinner unless you have regurgitated it.
I’m not racist but… [just don’t say it]
I’m sorry but… [just don’t say it]
How about you sponsor me for my doing my thing for a charity in order to make me look like a hero – just send us the link for a worthy cause and how about we send it some money?
Flashmobs are an ideal opportunity for a suicide bomber. Just sayin’
I’ve done bigger poos (after Leeds 2000 for instance) than your baby.
Your band and music is shite. Your music is shite, you are shite. That is why you are unsigned.*
The banks will compensate you for all of your idiotic decisions from when you once said “yeah OK then” to an advisor. They are happy to help, just write to them. Don’t ‘Like’ a scumbag who has decided to do it for you for money.
Calm down!!! It was only a joke.
There are not 47 ways to change your body in 7 days. It will take you at least one of those days just to read this. Go and do some exercise.
All of that article was clickbait intended to rile you and make you share.
Marty McFly came ‘back to the future’ in 2015… get ready. Not 2011, 2012, 2013, or 2014. Those pictures were photo shopped.
Hopefully, if you linked to this blog from Facebook, then that list of things would have been appealing to you. You love lists don’t you? Well, there you go. There is a list of things.
If you have linked from Twitter, then I am sorry but I had to do something lighthearted after all of that depression stuff.
Thanks for reading. As always, here is a song:
Martin will be appearing at around 4pm as MEIOSIS at the event he has curated: All Dayer at The Cluny, details of which are here: http://www.musicbymeiosis.com/events.html
*Yeah me too.